Praise is the shorthand of parenting: quick, warm, and reassuring. We say it because we mean well. But there can be a thin line between encouragement that builds resilience and praise that subtly raises the stakes. When parents use exaggerated praise, such as words like amazing, perfect, or incredible, children sometimes take it as a standard they must continually meet, not simply as a moment of recognition. That shift can change how they approach new challenges.

A study in Child Development (2017) observed parent-child interactions and found that parents often give more inflated praise to children who already show signs of low self-esteem, and that this praise can predict lower self-esteem over time.

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Why “You’re so smart” can backfire

Not all praise is equal. There are two types of praise: person-focused praise (e.g., “You’re so smart”) and process-focused praise (e.g., “You worked really hard on that”). The problem with person praise is that it ties success to identity. If a child hears “You’re smart” and then struggles, the struggle can feel like proof that they aren’t smart after all.

A 2013 study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that identity-based praise can increase children’s fear of failure and reduce their willingness to try difficult tasks. Process-focused feedback, by contrast, emphasises effort, strategies, and persistence. It frames challenges as opportunities to learn rather than as tests of worth.

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Kids notice when praise doesn’t match reality

Children are often better judges of their own performance than adults assume they are. When praise doesn’t match a child’s sense of how well they did, it can create discomfort, not comfort.

Research from the University of Wisconsin-Madison shows that when children perceive praise as exaggerated or undeserved, they can become more anxious, and their future performance can decline. That reaction suggests that insincere or disproportionate praise may actually be counterproductive. Kids don’t just want compliments; they want recognition that rings true.

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Different kids, different reactions

It’s important to note that inflated praise doesn’t affect every child the same way. For children already low in self-esteem, grand praise can feel like pressure and lead to avoidance of hard tasks. For children with high self-esteem, the same praise can, over time, encourage entitlement or an expectation of constant admiration.

A 2017 Child Development paper even links excessive praise with an increase in narcissistic tendencies in some children, not because praise is evil, but because it can teach kids to expect external validation rather than cultivate internal standards.

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What helpful praise should sound like

Good praise is neither minimal nor theatrical. It’s specific, honest, and process-focused. Instead of saying “You’re a genius,” notice what the child did: “You tried three different ways until you found one that worked.” That kind of feedback does two important things: it validates effort, and it normalises struggle as part of learning. Over time, this helps children believe that ability grows with work, not that it’s fixed.

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At the end of the day, children don’t need a running commentary of “perfect!” to thrive. They need our presence, our observations, and our belief in their capacity to grow. When praise becomes less about boosting ego and more about nurturing resilience, kids learn to trust themselves, not because we say they’re amazing, but because they feel capable from within.

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