When you read or see shows about inspiring people, too often it begins along the lines of, “Leaders are not made, they’re born”. But is that really true? Many leaders would tell you that it's not the circumstances of their childhood or family, but rather their experiences as an adults that really shaped their emotional intelligence and leadership skills. For a select few though, they’re nurtured from the time they’re a child to an adult to become an exemplary leader. 

In fact, a 2021 study by BMC Health shows that early experiences such as separation, neglect, and abuse can produce distinct patterns of disadvantage or privilege. The assumption may be that you can outgrow or forget trauma, but often without help, that isn’t possible. Many leaders often recount traumatising events or milestones in their lives that have shaped who they are today. And often enough, they were able to find a way to recover and heal from the trauma to take a step forward.

We spoke to Deepak Jayaraman, a leadership coach and author of the upcoming book, Play to Potential, about leadership, finding life’s flavour and more about how a person can grow personally and professionally to be happy in life. 

 

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You started out as a IIT graduate, who then went to IIM-Ahmedabad and ultimately ended up in London. What was your journey like?

I come from the Indian middle class. My father was a public sector banker, so growing up, education was the passport to a better life for a lot of us, including me. I didn’t take any extracurriculars, I played a bit of cricket, but most of my energy went into my academics. I was lucky to go to a good school in Chennai, which took me to IIT. 

IIM-A was a place where I thought I could be true to who I was, a problem-solver. That is the identity I was carrying in my head. After IIM-A, I thought, ‘Where do you go to solve problems?’ You go to consulting. So I joined KPMG Consulting, and there was an opportunity to work in London for a couple of years and then come back to India and work for three years. So, I did that for five years. But having spent five years and having tasted life in London, somehow there was this whole thought that I want to see the world, I want to experience a global career. So I ended up doing another MBA at London Business School, which led me to a job with McKinsey in New Jersey.

In 2008, unfortunately, my father was diagnosed with stage four cancer back in India, and I had to come back and take care of his treatment. Unfortunately, we could only palliate. not cure, and in six months he passed away. Around that time, in the US, the economic crisis happened. Going back to McKinsey wasn't an option, so I decided to stay in India. I eventually moved from management consulting to executive search. 
But there I realized that I enjoyed helping conversations much more than judging conversations because in search, you're always evaluating the candidates to see who's fit for what. But I really got my joy from having conversations about people's journeys. Candidates sometimes would say, what should I do with my career? And I would give them advice, and they would walk away with a lot of gratitude and they would see value in it, and it gave me joy. But that's not what puts bread on the table for a search consultant.

 

Do you think your experiences played a part in your desire to be a leadership coach?

I think so, I think it played a role. Let me put it in context: I spoke to Daniel H. Pink (author) and he used an interesting phase – ‘All research is me search’
In a way, I was trying to find the answers to these questions as I was grappling through life. And I felt, as a search consultant, I felt that every search consultant is pitching opportunities to candidates, but nobody's sort of solving for the candidate. Right? What does that leader want? Or does he or she want to take a left turn or a right turn or just pause or go straight? So I felt there was a need in the market, based on my lived experience and also what I was seeing, and I felt I had the temperament to be of value in that kind of a construct. So I think it's a combination of my journey, and my observations, and I feel my assessment of my temperament.

 

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What would your final words be on finding life’s flavour?

Not everybody has all the boxes ticked – but finding life’s flavour doesn’t have a lot to do with having all the boxes ticked. It’s about figuring out a coherent flavour, finding out what works for you. Your context in life could change, and then you need to be agile enough to recalculate options and make choices. Rediscover your flavour as often as you need to. 

You have a favourite ice cream flavour today, but it might not be the same flavour next year, or even next season. Just like ice cream, all people have flavours in specific seasons. My flavour in my 20s is very different from my flavour in my 40s. And I’m sure it’ll be different in my 60s.

 

How can an individual gain self-awareness to know where they are and where they need to go?

Finding self-awareness is a journey. I think very often I find when people say they are self-aware, very often they're not. I call it the drunk man problem. You ask the drunk man in the party, are you drunk? The chances are he or she will say, no, I'm not. So, I think that's the same thing with self-awareness. Very often the people who are actually self-aware are the people who are working the hardest at becoming self-aware. 

The starting point is saying, how much I can know about myself is infinite, right? Have that humility and curiosity as you embrace yourself because it's there are always layers and layers to uncover. So I think the limited point I would make, and I have a chapter for each of these, is I think self-awareness has two buckets very often. One is internal self-awareness, which is this whole pausing, meditating, focusing on breathing, staying with yourself, tuning into your emotions, listening to your body, and all that stuff. The second piece which is often neglected is external self-awareness is really tuning into what the world is telling us. 

Very often, I realize that when I hear of employees talking about their work in a company, it is just a small sliver of data that doesn’t provide all the information. It doesn’t give you a sense of how the world thinks about you. 
For example, if I'm working with a leader as a coach, typically, for the first three to six months, I would talk to about 30-40 people around the leader; people at home, spouse, siblings, and parents. Sometimes who we are gets shaped in the first 10-15 years. I speak to people from their childhood, from their company and from their past.
The first thing is to realize that self-awareness itself, both internal and external, is a never ending journey.

 

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What is one thing you want readers to take away from your book?

Work on finding your potential. On my podcast, I had Vijay Amritraj (tennis player and coach) answer this question for me, what does play to potential mean to you? He answered, ‘I did what I could do with what I had’.
We all have a deck of cards (your unique context and life). The first step is to come to terms with your deck of cards, with what you have. And then it’s your job to play the best game you can with those cards. The game you play with it, and how you use those cards, that’s up to you. 

 

Listen to Deepak’s podcast: Play to Potential

Pre-order his book today: Play to Potential - Lead a full life, become the best you