So, what's a healthy relationship? Well, it's not about being perfect. It's more like doing your best, understanding where you’re going wrong, and working on it. 
Conflicts often pop up at work, especially with so many different personalities around. How you handle those conflicts says a lot about your teamwork skills, and it can even come up in job interviews. Arguments and conflicts sometimes happen when people interact, but they shouldn't be happening all the time. Whether it's with coworkers, partners, family, or friends, it's not cool for conflicts to be the norm.

Need all your wellness solutions in one place? A whole new world awaits just a click away.

 

Why Do Conflict Seekers Behave In This Way?

Conflict seekers engage in their behaviour for several reasons. Some may have underlying mood disorders that make them prone to negativity and unhappiness, while others might exhibit traits of personality disorders. Additionally, some conflict seekers simply prefer opposition and resist cooperation as a default mode of interaction.
According to Amy Gallo, author of The HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict, most of us tend to lean towards either conflict-seeking or conflict-avoiding behaviours. Sometimes, we might switch it up depending on the situation, but usually, we have a default style. It's important to be aware of this style because it affects how we handle workplace situations and get what we want.

Related story: What are Healthy Boundaries and Why do we Need Them

If you're someone who tends to avoid conflict, ask yourself if you're avoiding it because you're scared, or if it's really the best move. Maybe you're letting go of conflicts that actually need sorting out. Think about what you're aiming for in each situation. Is avoiding conflict helping the project or your relationship? What do you want from disagreements or work situations? Is it more about being liked or getting the best result?

 

You’re A Conflict Avoider if You

• Avoid conflict and dislike disagreements.
• Prioritise harmony and maintain good relationships with coworkers.
• Value being liked by others.
• May sacrifice honesty to keep relationships intact.
• Avoid difficult conversations and may ignore conflict-causing issues.
• Tend to exhibit physical signs of discomfort like shrinking away, fidgeting, or blushing.

Related story: Why Coercive Control Is A Sign Of Domestic Abuse

 

And if you're someone who usually dives into conflict, think about whether you're doing it because it's your style, or if the situation really needs resolving. Try to see things from the other person's side. Ask yourself how your actions might be making things worse. Understand what the other person wants and why. 

You’re A Conflict Seeker if You

• Value honesty and directness, even if it disrupts harmony.
• Actively seek out or escalate conflict.
• Are unafraid to express opinions, even if it leads to heated exchanges.
• May become entrenched in your own perspective.
• Physically lean into conflict, raise your voice, and engage readily.

 

Related story: Are You Avoiding Grief? 5 Signs To Watch For

 

Things to know About Conflict Seekers

Their behaviour isn’t about you, rather about them. When dealing with conflict-seekers, it's important to remember that their behaviour isn't about you personally. Instead, it's a part of their basic personality. Even though their actions might affect you directly, it's not because of something you've done. From what I've seen in my clinical experience, people who frequently seek conflict with one person usually do the same with others. It's not about how they feel about you specifically; it's more about their overall approach to relationships. They tend to operate in a non-collaborative and discordant way regardless of the relationship they're in.

In normal interactions, there's usually some give-and-take, with both sides compromising. But with conflict-seekers, that's not how they roll. They often start conflicts out of nowhere and without good reason. Soon enough, you might find yourself caught up in JADE: justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining. You might feel the need to do this to defend yourself and your reasoning.
But here's the thing: getting into a JADE cycle with a conflict-seeker usually ends up in frustration. Nobody likes to admit they're wrong, especially not conflict-seekers. So, it's best to be aware of this pattern and find more effective ways to handle conflicts with them.

 

Related story: Anger Management: 5 Ways To Control Anger

 

7 Smart Tips to Deal With Conflict Seekers

Whether you're more inclined to avoid conflict or dive into it head-on, remember that workplace conflicts are bound to happen. A 2023 study from the paper Pollack suggests that around 85 per cent of employees will face conflict at some point. And interestingly, almost half of these conflicts are due to clashes in personalities.

1. Stay calm when someone provokes: Conflict-seekers often thrive on getting a reaction out of others. By remaining calm, you can avoid escalating the situation and maintain control over your emotions. Take deep breaths, focus on staying composed, and avoid reacting impulsively.Conflict-seekers may try to provoke strong reactions, but keeping your cool can help defuse the situation.

2. Set boundaries with everyone you deal with: Make it clear what behaviour is acceptable and what's not. If the conflict-seeker crosses those boundaries, calmly remind them of the agreed-upon limits. Consistently enforcing boundaries shows that you won't tolerate inappropriate behaviour.

3. Focus on facts: Stick to the facts of the situation rather than getting drawn into emotional arguments. This means presenting objective evidence and avoiding emotional reactions. By focusing on facts, you keep the discussion grounded and increase the chances of finding a resolution based on logic and reason.

4. Try to offer solutions: Rather than dwelling on the conflict itself, focus on finding practical solutions to resolve it. Propose constructive ways to address the issue and work towards a resolution that satisfies both parties. This approach shifts the focus from assigning blame to problem-solving.

5. Choose your battles wisely: Not every conflict is worth engaging in. Evaluate whether the issue is significant enough to warrant confrontation or if it's better to let it go. Prioritise conflicts based on their importance and potential impact on relationships or work outcomes.

6. Seek support when necessary: Don't hesitate to involve a neutral third party, like a mediator, if needed. Seeking support can provide an objective perspective and help facilitate communication between conflicting parties. A mediator can assist in finding common ground and reaching a resolution that satisfies everyone involved.

7. Practise self-care daily: Dealing with conflict can be draining, so it's important to practise self-care daily. Take time to prioritise your emotional and mental well-being. This might involve engaging in activities that help you relax and unwind, setting boundaries to protect your energy, and seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist when needed. 

 

In a healthy work environment, people care about each other, have fair expectations, and agree on what they want from the communication. Most importantly, there's more peace than fighting. The reality is, conflict-seekers often have a serious issue with how they communicate. Their thinking can be illogical or irrational, and they may lack self-awareness about how skewed their perspective is. It's tough to motivate someone with such extreme distortion to change, especially if they've been seeking conflict for a long time. In such cases, it's essential to protect yourself by walking away from the situation and returning when you're calm. Avoiding engagement can help you maintain your peace of mind and avoid getting caught up in their behaviour.

 

Need all your wellness solutions in one place? A whole new world awaits just a click away.